Sunday, June 15, 2008

Joy comes in the morning

I mentioned the other day about God ordering all this so perfectly but couldn't really share at the point. What I meant was that I was supposed to have an appointment the week before but it didn't work out, and I was frustrated. Well, if it had, everything would have been fine (and I would have seen a live baby which would have been more painful) and then I just would have started bleeding, maybe even this weekend when everyone was gone for a retreat except me, or when we were in Mexico City this coming week, who knows. I can't imagine how much more traumatic it would have been to have all the fear of not knowing what was really going on, going to the ER, having to manage the kids spur of the moment in the midst of all that, or even worse going through all that when we were traveling somewhere in a different city. As I sat at the doctor's office, it was all so sweet to me how He unfolded it all.

I can not begin to tell you how painful the day of the D&C was. It started by having to leave the house telling Bailey about the baby because she got up much earlier than planned. She was sad but generally took it well, we told her that the baby was sick and had died and that we had to go to the doctor so they could give it to Jesus and that He would be watching over it from now on and that the baby was no longer sick. She was pretty concerned that the baby wouldn't have a mommy in heaven but we told her that when a baby has Jesus it doesn't need a mommy that He takes such good care of it. I had kind of gathered myself in the car and then we went into a coffee shop downtown since the traffic was good and we were pretty early. I heard Duane say hello to someone, and the ONE person who was in there was the specialist I had seen the day before. I couldn't even get out hello but had to turn away crying. That was pretty much the rest of the time from when we went to the hospital and started checking in and signing papers, just knowing what I was about to have done to my baby. At this point, there was still no bleeding or any signs that anything was wrong except the knowledge that the specialist had said that he was 100% sure that the baby was dead. Just the fear through the night before of what if I was having a D&C on a live baby, but I had to keep reminding myself that I had seen the ultrasound and doppler too, and there was nothing at all. They took me in to change and let me see Duane for a minute, and then wheeled me away all alone. I just couldn't stop crying. It was just this overwhelming sadness that I didn't know I could feel over an 8 week pregnancy. There was a sweet tech who didn't speak English but she just kept squeezing my foot or giving me a comforting look, bringing me tissues. God gave me comfort at every step, even though I was alone during the procedure. It was such a relief to get knocked out for those few minutes, to not feel, but everything rushed back as I heard the doctor say "wake up Kim" and I remembered what had just taken place. A loss you just can't explain or describe but just sadness. All of me would never have wished for this, but I am glad to understand what it is like to be a better friend to those who have gone through it or will...I wish I had known before but you can't...we all wish we could go back and be better friends for every part of life we pass through after our friends, don't we, the good and the bad? The rest of the day was better after we left the hospital, and Duane stayed with me through the night. The students were so sweet, but of course it was hard each time I saw someone new. I was so glad throughout the day before and that day for the knowledge of the love and goodness of God, to know that this serves as a part of His good plan for me, to lay down that night and just be able to say honestly to Him, "God, what a sad day", yet feel the hope that things would get better. And they have...I have had a few sad moments over these last days but as each day passes there is more joy, you laugh at the things you did before and things feel normal, and there is hope. Not hope for a baby, or circumstances, but just the hope of the Spirit that brings true joy that comes after a night of sorrow, that says "I love you, and everything is OK." I was even thinking about the circumstances of the first weeks here, how hard they were but how much more moldable I think they made my heart to accept this from His hand from accepting that piece by piece from Him.

Deuteronomy 32:4
"He is the Rock, His works are perfect, and all His ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is He."

7 comments:

Parks Avenue said...

Kimmie,
I'm glad you've been able to share your heart. The Lord truly does work in ways that we cannot possibly wrap our head around, but know that my heart aches as you go through this time, as the memories of my sweet babies who are with the Lord as well, come flooding back in. You are completely right in the fact that you can't understand until something like this happens, but it will make you a comfort to others as they go through similar circumstances. Your heart becomes more tender. I am thankful that the Lord has taken care of you so sweetly. It's an answer to our prayers.
We will continue to pray as
God heals your heart.
Love,
Annie

Kristin said...

I'm so thankful He's been so sweet during this time... I'm so sorry for the pain and sadness surrounding the D&C, and I'm so very sorry for the loss of this precious little one. We love you and are praying.

Amy said...

Kim, my heart aches for you right now. I am so glad that God is your comfort. Curl up in the arms of your Father when you are so sad. Kim he has walked this road and knows the pain of losing a child. He desires so much to soothe your aching heart. I am praying for you and the family
I love you!

Amy said...

I would love to hear how you are doing when you get time.

Jill Williamson said...

So good to hear from you again. I know you can't describe the sadness. You just feel out of controll and empty yet you understand He is in controll and you feel His presence.....???
Read my blog when you get a chance. I put an article on it that is so encouraging not just about "babies" but the depth of GRACE God can give. So, good to hear the WORK OF THE LORD in your heart.It's so sweet.

Anonymous said...

Kim,
I am so, so, so sorry. Tony and I have been praying for you and I will continue. Thank you for your openness and willingness to share your heart. I too have been challenged to be a better friend.
thank you
love,
nan

Joel, Heide, Lydia & Tessa said...

OK, so I know it is probably weird getting a post from someone you don't even know, but I am in Virginia Cox's home group from church in FL and she was sharing with us your incredible testimony through this and I wanted to give you a title of a book that I think would be great for you to read. It is called "safe in the arms of God" it is by John MacArthur. You can order it on Amazon. I know it has really helped my sister and my best friend go through exactly what you just went through. We are praying for you. - Heide Hakes