For some reason tonight, I have extra energy and thought I would blog. Maybe it is the first rice cereal milkshake I just gave Brooklyn in hopes that she will sleep through the night tonight. I am pretty exhausted. Duane let me know today that these last few weeks I have started repeating stories to him that I would never have repeated. I said, "yes I told you I'm not doing very well last week." I don't know how I am making it, really. Well, I do. I feel the sufficiency of Christ every day. This is my first baby without naps (for me that is). Having this baby, that was one of my fears was the lack of sleep with no time for naps. It didn't seem possible that I could do it and function, but I am. I feel better than I have with any of the others. I can't explain it except for God. I used to live for a nap with all my infants. Now I don't even think of it. Not that I'm not tired, but God gives grace to keep going. And I don't feel like I'm living to sleep. It is a good place.
Trying to think of what is going on is hard, or what I am learning. Life is chaos. Some days I feel I will be swallowed up by all I have to do that never gets done. Hours go by without accomplishing anything. Everyday clutter, food on the floor, crumbs (and fresh fruit) all over the house, kids jumping on beds, off the coffee table onto the couch, screaming, laughing (them that is). Most of the time I'm trying to laugh. I let them do these things. It just adds up after a while. Everyone's house is different, but this is ours. I love that my kids love life, I just wish they would love it OUTSIDE more. Just kidding, mostly. Thank goodness for spring. I was thinking yesterday as I was vacuuming...I would just feel more restful if their rooms were cleaned up and everything put up. That is elusive, and not true rest. I was reminded that true rest and peace can come only from God. It is hard to trust that if I drop what I'm doing and go spend time with Him, that I will feel true rest. I only have time to CHOOSE, as time to do things is almost non-existent, and 99% of the time I choose wrong. I need Jesus.
I see my sin (any sin) and think to myself, "How can I [feel, think, act] this way?" It is because I am a hypocrite. The biggest hypocrite there is. I say one thing, and do another. Judge someone else and set another standard, much lower and gracious for myself. I see this all the time in my life. I need Jesus.
My life is full of broken "nevers", and for that I am thankful. Because of this I have a third, and fourth child. SO thankful for them. Such joy. And because of broken "I will never's" I am homeschooling. I love being with my kids all the time even though it's crazy and I miss out on alot. I love that they are close, and that I see more character in them. I love that they love being with me. I am thankful that I get to watch them play all day, pretend, and enjoy life.
I was reminded yesterday that every moment is a gift. I want to stop and watch them riding their bikes and scooters, grinning, hair blowing and seize it, remember it forever. I want to enjoy holding them, pausing to love them and build them up in my love. I wish that I would enjoy rather than mostly just survive right now. I need Jesus.
I love my life. I am thankful to the Lord for it, and how He provides for us. He is with us every moment. I was reminded of this coming out of Walmart with all four. It had been a long trip, and Brooklyn was getting hungry. I prayed for some help or that I would see a friend in the parking lot. A lady my mom's age had locked her keys in her car, used my cell phone, and ended up holding Brooklyn while I loaded all the kids and groceries. Then Duane offered to come home and help me get unloaded and settled. What a help. God saw me, with my groceries, and cared enough to meet my need. That is tenderness. That is all for now. Hopefully I will make more sense next time.