Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Mexico City and other pics

Once again

We just got back from Mexico City, and now that we are back all our transportation is gone because the summer short teams are coming in and using the church's vehicles. that means back to square one with nothing to do for me and most of my new friends are pretty busy for the next couple of weeks. Anyway, yesterday the kids were at the house most of the day, and today nothing worked out and I just decided that if they or I NEEDED somewhere to go, then God would provide it. So I decided to walk down to the store, and long story short met this lady who speaks English in the checkout line who has an 8, 4 and 1 year old and said that she wanted to give me her phone number because she lives in the neighborhood and knows that moms always need something to do. I told her I didn't have a car and she said she would come pick me up, and that she would be expecting my phone call. I told her not to worry! Why do I get down when I know that He will fill my days here with what we need?

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Joy comes in the morning

I mentioned the other day about God ordering all this so perfectly but couldn't really share at the point. What I meant was that I was supposed to have an appointment the week before but it didn't work out, and I was frustrated. Well, if it had, everything would have been fine (and I would have seen a live baby which would have been more painful) and then I just would have started bleeding, maybe even this weekend when everyone was gone for a retreat except me, or when we were in Mexico City this coming week, who knows. I can't imagine how much more traumatic it would have been to have all the fear of not knowing what was really going on, going to the ER, having to manage the kids spur of the moment in the midst of all that, or even worse going through all that when we were traveling somewhere in a different city. As I sat at the doctor's office, it was all so sweet to me how He unfolded it all.

I can not begin to tell you how painful the day of the D&C was. It started by having to leave the house telling Bailey about the baby because she got up much earlier than planned. She was sad but generally took it well, we told her that the baby was sick and had died and that we had to go to the doctor so they could give it to Jesus and that He would be watching over it from now on and that the baby was no longer sick. She was pretty concerned that the baby wouldn't have a mommy in heaven but we told her that when a baby has Jesus it doesn't need a mommy that He takes such good care of it. I had kind of gathered myself in the car and then we went into a coffee shop downtown since the traffic was good and we were pretty early. I heard Duane say hello to someone, and the ONE person who was in there was the specialist I had seen the day before. I couldn't even get out hello but had to turn away crying. That was pretty much the rest of the time from when we went to the hospital and started checking in and signing papers, just knowing what I was about to have done to my baby. At this point, there was still no bleeding or any signs that anything was wrong except the knowledge that the specialist had said that he was 100% sure that the baby was dead. Just the fear through the night before of what if I was having a D&C on a live baby, but I had to keep reminding myself that I had seen the ultrasound and doppler too, and there was nothing at all. They took me in to change and let me see Duane for a minute, and then wheeled me away all alone. I just couldn't stop crying. It was just this overwhelming sadness that I didn't know I could feel over an 8 week pregnancy. There was a sweet tech who didn't speak English but she just kept squeezing my foot or giving me a comforting look, bringing me tissues. God gave me comfort at every step, even though I was alone during the procedure. It was such a relief to get knocked out for those few minutes, to not feel, but everything rushed back as I heard the doctor say "wake up Kim" and I remembered what had just taken place. A loss you just can't explain or describe but just sadness. All of me would never have wished for this, but I am glad to understand what it is like to be a better friend to those who have gone through it or will...I wish I had known before but you can't...we all wish we could go back and be better friends for every part of life we pass through after our friends, don't we, the good and the bad? The rest of the day was better after we left the hospital, and Duane stayed with me through the night. The students were so sweet, but of course it was hard each time I saw someone new. I was so glad throughout the day before and that day for the knowledge of the love and goodness of God, to know that this serves as a part of His good plan for me, to lay down that night and just be able to say honestly to Him, "God, what a sad day", yet feel the hope that things would get better. And they have...I have had a few sad moments over these last days but as each day passes there is more joy, you laugh at the things you did before and things feel normal, and there is hope. Not hope for a baby, or circumstances, but just the hope of the Spirit that brings true joy that comes after a night of sorrow, that says "I love you, and everything is OK." I was even thinking about the circumstances of the first weeks here, how hard they were but how much more moldable I think they made my heart to accept this from His hand from accepting that piece by piece from Him.

Deuteronomy 32:4
"He is the Rock, His works are perfect, and all His ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is He."

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Just wanted to let you know

We went to the doctor today for a checkup since we haven't seen the baby yet, and there was no heartbeat. I am having a D&C in the morning, so you can pray that everything will go smoothly. The doctor is really good that I'm going to and both him and the specialist were really kind and spoke English. I am okay and experientially feel the goodness of God. He has been faithful in so many ways, in the way that He ordered everything about today and this week. It couldn't have been any better. I am thankful. Know that I am okay and thanks for your prayers.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Pool pics

The great kindness of God

I can't speak enough of the kindness of God since I have been here. It almost brings to tears He has been so kind and caring to me. Basically I have no car, few friends, not much to do and I'm alone most days from 9-6 pm on the weekdays since I'm not allowed on the ITESO campus with the team (due to the kids). As you can imagine, this is not the easiest with 2 toddlers to entertain. But He has been so kind. I know that I am alone, but somehow I do not feel that lonely and we get to the end of a day and I know He got us through. The first thing He did was bring me across the path of an American girl who has lived here for 10 years and she invited me over that weekend for a big playdate, and I met another girl Susanana, who is here with her husband doing missions to the poor here. She took us to the park with them the other day. Then the next day, I was walking home from the shopping plaza and peeked in this big party place, and saw a bunch of people that I knew...and we got invited into probably the best birthday party I've ever been to. The kids got to run free and jump on all these bouncy things and play games, Bailey got her face painted. I said, "Bailey, who let us in this birthday party?" She said, "Jesus!" I said, "That's right!". It was really so sweet and so good for them. Since then, I've been invited to another birthday party, to use someone's pool in the neighborhood (I just have to get there somehow), I'm going to a children's museum tomorrow with Susanna, and I met another lady at church that lives up the hill who has a 3 year old boy and can come to my house and play. And I can not consider the kindness of this one woman, Claudia, without tearing up. She is about 40 and I met her as Bailey's Sunday school teacher and she immediately gave me her phone number and said to call her she would love to hang out with me. Then the other night she took me home and was asking how things were, and I told her it has been hard, honestly to be alone with the kids. She told me how much she loved me and that I had a friend in her and that she thought of me all the time, and that when school was out next week she was going to come get me to come to her house and she was going to take care of Bailey and Owen. She told me that she knew that I just needed to get some of it out and talk. Then today, (she is a teacher at the church), she spoke to all the teachers and for the next week while school is still in Bailey can come in their classes from 8-12 or so, so she went in this morning. She had a ball and has been wanting to go in there since we got here! Through all these people, I have felt the provision of God and that I am not alone at all. He is providing for every day and all we need. I tell you, I hope that I do not return home unchanged toward people who are in my situation, new in town etc. I hope that I never feel that same apathy toward them that I have felt in the past but am willing to inconvenience myself so that they can have a friend too when they are in need.

Day 7 - Owen

Owen fell and busted his chin last Monday. As soon as he hit the floor I knew it wasn't good. We took him to the hospital and luckily they were able to glue it instead of stitching it. I don't think emotionally I could have handled that very well! Anyway, he is doing fine. Unfortunately, we were supposed to go swimming for the only time that day before that happened...