I was looking at my last post months ago, and honestly because of the Lord and his mercy, that seems like someone else's feelings. It is amazing to me that in His power alone, He has reached down into my life and made it different without me being much aware. I can say this because I TRY to be aware and repent of things that He has shown me, but with four kids and a busy life, it is hard sometimes to give things the attention and prayer they need. And I really didn't in this situation. I think that God allowed me to repent and then He changed me. I have my moments sometimes, where I have to repent of hurt feelings and remember, that in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter. But overall, I just feel different on the inside and am not looking to certain people to make me feel okay anymore. I think that I am understanding more as I get older in life, that this is really the only way that we ever really change, is He has mercy on us. We try and He has mercy on us, but sometimes He has mercy on us anyway despite how much we are able to grind out our sanctification (or are not).
I have continued to feel that God is actively reaching down into my life again and He is close once again. I had wondered, as I have said many times, if He would leave me where I was for so long. I was at a retreat a couple of weeks ago, and I was thinking of whether I wanted to remain in (false) control of my own life, and avoid fear and pain (which is impossible anyway, but we like to try), or whether I wanted Him. And in my heart, I really wanted Him. I wanted Him even if it includes the things I am afraid of. I am grateful for this. I know this is from Him.
I feel that I have a much different view of my Christian life as a result of these last years (I would say a desert but I almost hate to say it in light of the things some I know have been through). I realize that anything in me, any good work, or any good thought, or any care about anyone else, is just Him showing me grace. I really have nothing to offer anybody without Him, and I have tried at times and it is not pretty.
I have been reading The Praying Life by Paul Miller, and I feel like a burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. I think that over these years I have developed a lot of lies about what prayer should be. It has just been exhausting to try and pray when you haven't really prayed much in 6 years. Where in the world do you start? How do you confess 6 years of sin? Or when you try to worship because you feel like you have to adore God before you can just start talking to Him, and then you have to confess your sin before you can approach Him rightly, it is just exhausting and I would just feel so TIRED when I would try to pray. And I just gave up, mostly. This book has helped me to realize how much I need God's mercy to do this life, and also how God WANTS me to come to Him messy. This is the gospel, and He does the changing as we pray. It has been good and I feel spiritually alive and unburdened again. I guess that is about all for now.