Big heart changes

Well, here's a vulnerable post. It's not always FUN to be vulnerable, but I think it's always a blessing in the end. I always fear being misunderstood, but I'm trying to be honest and hope the words come out right. I have been processing a lot about my life and friendships, and feel that this is definitely a work of the Lord in my heart, a needed one. It is His kindness that leads us to repentance. We can only repent truly because He allows us to, so I am all the more appreciative. I feel like there have been cycles in my life as a Christian (and my whole non-Christian life) where I have really wanted to fit in, wherever "in" is. People at times (or rather, their approval) have been idols in my life and either their acceptance or their apathy have affected my feelings a lot, and especially over the last year and a half or so. I think some loneliness can come when you have really small children, and are in that stage again, and these things just act as a catalyst for causing circumstances that bring up these things in your heart again. I know people that are around me a lot and know me somewhat probably can sense my struggle, and honestly it probably drives them further away. I am always observing relationships, analyzing how people interact, and how it is different than how they interact with me. (And I would like to take full responsibility for my sin, so that no one misunderstands that I am blaming anyone, or think that they have wronged me in some way. It is my heart that is the problem.) So, I started thinking about why is it that I chase relationships? What is it that I am hoping to gain? I think that the biggest thing I realized is that I am 37 years old, and I am tired of living this way. I don't want to anymore. I don't say that in a secular way, the Lord has replaced it in my heart with wanting something better. The Lord has revealed this to me in a way that showed me, I don't want to get to heaven and Him say to me, "Why did you spend your life chasing after these things. You could have had so much joy living for things that mattered." There is so much joy to be had living to love others instead of waiting for others to love you. Yes, not feeling wanted at times is hard, and that is not easily erased, but joy can erase it. Loving other people takes the focus off yourself and joy flows out of loving others who you are seeking to gain nothing from. It really is freeing. I realized what a distraction pursuing these things causes in my walk with Christ, because I am constantly looking at myself and asking, "What's wrong with me? Why do people not want me around (if they actually do or don't)? Am I hard to be around? Is it that I have 4 kids? Is it that people don't like my kids?" (these are hard feelings to admit). There are no answers, only self-focus and distraction from Christ. I want to live for what matters eternally, and I've been wasting my life. I want my kids to see real love, Christ's love, not chasing love for selfish reasons. I AM loved, by Him. I do not have to chase people to have these needs met for myself. I am so excited about what he has for Duane and I as we have talked about struggling with these things and what God has called us to. I have made purposeful decisions this week to not influence, to not try to fit in or be included, to let the chips fall where they may, and I feel so free. Free to love, to just accept whatever is. It doesn't matter what people feel about me, it only matters that I pursue love. I have wanted to feel this way for a long time, but just haven't been able to. It's not like I WANT to be this way. That is why it is so sweet that He is setting me free from it. After all, Jesus suffered Himself outside the city gate. We are not called to pursue belonging for our own enjoyment, but any belonging that we have is to bless others. I know there will be temptation, but I just feel free, and excited.

Another thing that I appreciate God doing in my life stems from a book that I read recently, called Gray Matter. It is about a neurosurgeon who progressively trusts God in his practice and begins integrating his faith by praying with his patients (which is unheard of with most physicians). Anyway, I worked this last Saturday, and before that it hit me, from the effects and peace that came from praying with his patients, what would keep me from praying with mine? Most people that I deal with have had some major life change: some have just found out they have cancer, some have lost legs, some can't walk anymore, some will never live alone again or be independent. Many have to be devastated. I have to be somewhat vague due to privacy violations policies, but this elderly man had just undergone surgery and things were not going to be the same again, and I saw that he already struggled with depression in his chart. I said, "Would it be ok if I prayed for you before you go?" to which he replied, "I would love that." and immediately grabbed my hand and we prayed together. It brought tears to my eyes to be able to do that for him.

The next patient I had gone to get, she wasn't ready and I had time so I ended up staying in her room, and for some reason over the next 30 minutes she just started talking and poured out all this pain in her life. She is in her 80's and had a lifetime of pain inside of her. I ended up just sitting beside her on the bed and listening. She after a while made a reference to wondering if it was enough to go to heaven. I felt like she really loves the Lord, but she struggles as she looks over her life. I get to share the truth with her, the second time for me in the last 7 years or so. I say to her that she has so much pain, can I pray for her, and she tears up and says please do. She says she wouldn't trade the time we've had for a million dollars. Such a blessing, all from a simple prayer for peace and comfort. I don't know why this has never occurred to me to do before, but it adds a whole new element to treatment, even if it is only a minute, or 30. I can't explain what the difference was in my day, but it was very different to add the dimension of prayer to it. I am grateful to Him for it and am excited about getting to minister to my patients from now on in that way.

Well, that is all. I feel closer to the Lord than I have in many years, and am grateful that He would choose to work in my heart this last couple of weeks. When over these last years I have seen that apart from Him there is no good in me,and that I will walk away from Him in a second if not for Him holding me, it means so much more when He works and changes me. He doesn't have to, and at times I have wondered it He would, but He is. Thank you Jesus.

This is life!

For some reason tonight, I have extra energy and thought I would blog. Maybe it is the first rice cereal milkshake I just gave Brooklyn in hopes that she will sleep through the night tonight. I am pretty exhausted. Duane let me know today that these last few weeks I have started repeating stories to him that I would never have repeated. I said, "yes I told you I'm not doing very well last week." I don't know how I am making it, really. Well, I do. I feel the sufficiency of Christ every day. This is my first baby without naps (for me that is). Having this baby, that was one of my fears was the lack of sleep with no time for naps. It didn't seem possible that I could do it and function, but I am. I feel better than I have with any of the others. I can't explain it except for God. I used to live for a nap with all my infants. Now I don't even think of it. Not that I'm not tired, but God gives grace to keep going. And I don't feel like I'm living to sleep. It is a good place.
Trying to think of what is going on is hard, or what I am learning. Life is chaos. Some days I feel I will be swallowed up by all I have to do that never gets done. Hours go by without accomplishing anything. Everyday clutter, food on the floor, crumbs (and fresh fruit) all over the house, kids jumping on beds, off the coffee table onto the couch, screaming, laughing (them that is). Most of the time I'm trying to laugh. I let them do these things. It just adds up after a while. Everyone's house is different, but this is ours. I love that my kids love life, I just wish they would love it OUTSIDE more. Just kidding, mostly. Thank goodness for spring. I was thinking yesterday as I was vacuuming...I would just feel more restful if their rooms were cleaned up and everything put up. That is elusive, and not true rest. I was reminded that true rest and peace can come only from God. It is hard to trust that if I drop what I'm doing and go spend time with Him, that I will feel true rest. I only have time to CHOOSE, as time to do things is almost non-existent, and 99% of the time I choose wrong. I need Jesus.
I see my sin (any sin) and think to myself, "How can I [feel, think, act] this way?" It is because I am a hypocrite. The biggest hypocrite there is. I say one thing, and do another. Judge someone else and set another standard, much lower and gracious for myself. I see this all the time in my life. I need Jesus.
My life is full of broken "nevers", and for that I am thankful. Because of this I have a third, and fourth child. SO thankful for them. Such joy. And because of broken "I will never's" I am homeschooling. I love being with my kids all the time even though it's crazy and I miss out on alot. I love that they are close, and that I see more character in them. I love that they love being with me. I am thankful that I get to watch them play all day, pretend, and enjoy life.
I was reminded yesterday that every moment is a gift. I want to stop and watch them riding their bikes and scooters, grinning, hair blowing and seize it, remember it forever. I want to enjoy holding them, pausing to love them and build them up in my love. I wish that I would enjoy rather than mostly just survive right now. I need Jesus.
I love my life. I am thankful to the Lord for it, and how He provides for us. He is with us every moment. I was reminded of this coming out of Walmart with all four. It had been a long trip, and Brooklyn was getting hungry. I prayed for some help or that I would see a friend in the parking lot. A lady my mom's age had locked her keys in her car, used my cell phone, and ended up holding Brooklyn while I loaded all the kids and groceries. Then Duane offered to come home and help me get unloaded and settled. What a help. God saw me, with my groceries, and cared enough to meet my need. That is tenderness. That is all for now. Hopefully I will make more sense next time.