Joy comes in the morning

I mentioned the other day about God ordering all this so perfectly but couldn't really share at the point. What I meant was that I was supposed to have an appointment the week before but it didn't work out, and I was frustrated. Well, if it had, everything would have been fine (and I would have seen a live baby which would have been more painful) and then I just would have started bleeding, maybe even this weekend when everyone was gone for a retreat except me, or when we were in Mexico City this coming week, who knows. I can't imagine how much more traumatic it would have been to have all the fear of not knowing what was really going on, going to the ER, having to manage the kids spur of the moment in the midst of all that, or even worse going through all that when we were traveling somewhere in a different city. As I sat at the doctor's office, it was all so sweet to me how He unfolded it all.

I can not begin to tell you how painful the day of the D&C was. It started by having to leave the house telling Bailey about the baby because she got up much earlier than planned. She was sad but generally took it well, we told her that the baby was sick and had died and that we had to go to the doctor so they could give it to Jesus and that He would be watching over it from now on and that the baby was no longer sick. She was pretty concerned that the baby wouldn't have a mommy in heaven but we told her that when a baby has Jesus it doesn't need a mommy that He takes such good care of it. I had kind of gathered myself in the car and then we went into a coffee shop downtown since the traffic was good and we were pretty early. I heard Duane say hello to someone, and the ONE person who was in there was the specialist I had seen the day before. I couldn't even get out hello but had to turn away crying. That was pretty much the rest of the time from when we went to the hospital and started checking in and signing papers, just knowing what I was about to have done to my baby. At this point, there was still no bleeding or any signs that anything was wrong except the knowledge that the specialist had said that he was 100% sure that the baby was dead. Just the fear through the night before of what if I was having a D&C on a live baby, but I had to keep reminding myself that I had seen the ultrasound and doppler too, and there was nothing at all. They took me in to change and let me see Duane for a minute, and then wheeled me away all alone. I just couldn't stop crying. It was just this overwhelming sadness that I didn't know I could feel over an 8 week pregnancy. There was a sweet tech who didn't speak English but she just kept squeezing my foot or giving me a comforting look, bringing me tissues. God gave me comfort at every step, even though I was alone during the procedure. It was such a relief to get knocked out for those few minutes, to not feel, but everything rushed back as I heard the doctor say "wake up Kim" and I remembered what had just taken place. A loss you just can't explain or describe but just sadness. All of me would never have wished for this, but I am glad to understand what it is like to be a better friend to those who have gone through it or will...I wish I had known before but you can't...we all wish we could go back and be better friends for every part of life we pass through after our friends, don't we, the good and the bad? The rest of the day was better after we left the hospital, and Duane stayed with me through the night. The students were so sweet, but of course it was hard each time I saw someone new. I was so glad throughout the day before and that day for the knowledge of the love and goodness of God, to know that this serves as a part of His good plan for me, to lay down that night and just be able to say honestly to Him, "God, what a sad day", yet feel the hope that things would get better. And they have...I have had a few sad moments over these last days but as each day passes there is more joy, you laugh at the things you did before and things feel normal, and there is hope. Not hope for a baby, or circumstances, but just the hope of the Spirit that brings true joy that comes after a night of sorrow, that says "I love you, and everything is OK." I was even thinking about the circumstances of the first weeks here, how hard they were but how much more moldable I think they made my heart to accept this from His hand from accepting that piece by piece from Him.

Deuteronomy 32:4
"He is the Rock, His works are perfect, and all His ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is He."