A few brief moments

Walking with God again

2012-01-23T12:47:00.000-08:00

I was looking at my last post months ago, and honestly because of the Lord and his mercy, that seems like someone else's feelings. It is amazing to me that in His power alone, He has reached down into my life and made it different without me being much aware. I can say this because I TRY to be aware and repent of things that He has shown me, but with four kids and a busy life, it is hard sometimes to give things the attention and prayer they need. And I really didn't in this situation. I think that God allowed me to repent and then He changed me. I have my moments sometimes, where I have to repent of hurt feelings and remember, that in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter. But overall, I just feel different on the inside and am not looking to certain people to make me feel okay anymore. I think that I am understanding more as I get older in life, that this is really the only way that we ever really change, is He has mercy on us. We try and He has mercy on us, but sometimes He has mercy on us anyway despite how much we are able to grind out our sanctification (or are not).

I have continued to feel that God is actively reaching down into my life again and He is close once again. I had wondered, as I have said many times, if He would leave me where I was for so long. I was at a retreat a couple of weeks ago, and I was thinking of whether I wanted to remain in (false) control of my own life, and avoid fear and pain (which is impossible anyway, but we like to try), or whether I wanted Him. And in my heart, I really wanted Him. I wanted Him even if it includes the things I am afraid of. I am grateful for this. I know this is from Him.

I feel that I have a much different view of my Christian life as a result of these last years (I would say a desert but I almost hate to say it in light of the things some I know have been through). I realize that anything in me, any good work, or any good thought, or any care about anyone else, is just Him showing me grace. I really have nothing to offer anybody without Him, and I have tried at times and it is not pretty.

I have been reading The Praying Life by Paul Miller, and I feel like a burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. I think that over these years I have developed a lot of lies about what prayer should be. It has just been exhausting to try and pray when you haven't really prayed much in 6 years. Where in the world do you start? How do you confess 6 years of sin? Or when you try to worship because you feel like you have to adore God before you can just start talking to Him, and then you have to confess your sin before you can approach Him rightly, it is just exhausting and I would just feel so TIRED when I would try to pray. And I just gave up, mostly. This book has helped me to realize how much I need God's mercy to do this life, and also how God WANTS me to come to Him messy. This is the gospel, and He does the changing as we pray. It has been good and I feel spiritually alive and unburdened again. I guess that is about all for now.

Big heart changes

2011-07-19T19:51:00.000-07:00

Well, here's a vulnerable post. It's not always FUN to be vulnerable, but I think it's always a blessing in the end. I always fear being misunderstood, but I'm trying to be honest and hope the words come out right. I have been processing a lot about my life and friendships, and feel that this is definitely a work of the Lord in my heart, a needed one. It is His kindness that leads us to repentance. We can only repent truly because He allows us to, so I am all the more appreciative. I feel like there have been cycles in my life as a Christian (and my whole non-Christian life) where I have really wanted to fit in, wherever "in" is. People at times (or rather, their approval) have been idols in my life and either their acceptance or their apathy have affected my feelings a lot, and especially over the last year and a half or so. I think some loneliness can come when you have really small children, and are in that stage again, and these things just act as a catalyst for causing circumstances that bring up these things in your heart again. I know people that are around me a lot and know me somewhat probably can sense my struggle, and honestly it probably drives them further away. I am always observing relationships, analyzing how people interact, and how it is different than how they interact with me. (And I would like to take full responsibility for my sin, so that no one misunderstands that I am blaming anyone, or think that they have wronged me in some way. It is my heart that is the problem.) So, I started thinking about why is it that I chase relationships? What is it that I am hoping to gain? I think that the biggest thing I realized is that I am 37 years old, and I am tired of living this way. I don't want to anymore. I don't say that in a secular way, the Lord has replaced it in my heart with wanting something better. The Lord has revealed this to me in a way that showed me, I don't want to get to heaven and Him say to me, "Why did you spend your life chasing after these things. You could have had so much joy living for things that mattered." There is so much joy to be had living to love others instead of waiting for others to love you. Yes, not feeling wanted at times is hard, and that is not easily erased, but joy can erase it. Loving other people takes the focus off yourself and joy flows out of loving others who you are seeking to gain nothing from. It really is freeing. I realized what a distraction pursuing these things causes in my walk with Christ, because I am constantly looking at myself and asking, "What's wrong with me? Why do people not want me around (if they actually do or don't)? Am I hard to be around? Is it that I have 4 kids? Is it that people don't like my kids?" (these are hard feelings to admit). There are no answers, only self-focus and distraction from Christ. I want to live for what matters eternally, and I've been wasting my life. I want my kids to see real love, Christ's love, not chasing love for selfish reasons. I AM loved, by Him. I do not have to chase people to have these needs met for myself. I am so excited about what he has for Duane and I as we have talked about struggling with these things and what God has called us to. I have made purposeful decisions this week to not influence, to not try to fit in or be included, to let the chips fall where they may, and I feel so free. Free to love, to just accept whatever is. It doesn't matter what people feel about me, it only matters that I pursue love. I have wanted to feel this way for a long time, but just haven't been able to. It's not like I WANT to be this way. That is why it is so sweet that He is setting me free from it. After all, Jesus suffered Himself outside the city gate. We are not called to pursue belonging for our own enjoyment, but any belonging that we have is to bless others. I know there will be temptation, but I just feel free, and excited.

Another thing that I appreciate God doing in my life stems from a book that I read recently, called Gray Matter. It is about a neurosurgeon who progressively trusts God in his practice and begins integrating his faith by praying with his patients (which is unheard of with most physicians). Anyway, I worked this last Saturday, and before that it hit me, from the effects and peace that came from praying with his patients, what would keep me from praying with mine? Most people that I deal with have had some major life change: some have just found out they have cancer, some have lost legs, some can't walk anymore, some will never live alone again or be independent. Many have to be devastated. I have to be somewhat vague due to privacy violations policies, but this elderly man had just undergone surgery and things were not going to be the same again, and I saw that he already struggled with depression in his chart. I said, "Would it be ok if I prayed for you before you go?" to which he replied, "I would love that." and immediately grabbed my hand and we prayed together. It brought tears to my eyes to be able to do that for him.

The next patient I had gone to get, she wasn't ready and I had time so I ended up staying in her room, and for some reason over the next 30 minutes she just started talking and poured out all this pain in her life. She is in her 80's and had a lifetime of pain inside of her. I ended up just sitting beside her on the bed and listening. She after a while made a reference to wondering if it was enough to go to heaven. I felt like she really loves the Lord, but she struggles as she looks over her life. I get to share the truth with her, the second time for me in the last 7 years or so. I say to her that she has so much pain, can I pray for her, and she tears up and says please do. She says she wouldn't trade the time we've had for a million dollars. Such a blessing, all from a simple prayer for peace and comfort. I don't know why this has never occurred to me to do before, but it adds a whole new element to treatment, even if it is only a minute, or 30. I can't explain what the difference was in my day, but it was very different to add the dimension of prayer to it. I am grateful to Him for it and am excited about getting to minister to my patients from now on in that way.

Well, that is all. I feel closer to the Lord than I have in many years, and am grateful that He would choose to work in my heart this last couple of weeks. When over these last years I have seen that apart from Him there is no good in me,and that I will walk away from Him in a second if not for Him holding me, it means so much more when He works and changes me. He doesn't have to, and at times I have wondered it He would, but He is. Thank you Jesus.

This is life!

2011-03-24T20:30:00.000-07:00

For some reason tonight, I have extra energy and thought I would blog. Maybe it is the first rice cereal milkshake I just gave Brooklyn in hopes that she will sleep through the night tonight. I am pretty exhausted. Duane let me know today that these last few weeks I have started repeating stories to him that I would never have repeated. I said, "yes I told you I'm not doing very well last week." I don't know how I am making it, really. Well, I do. I feel the sufficiency of Christ every day. This is my first baby without naps (for me that is). Having this baby, that was one of my fears was the lack of sleep with no time for naps. It didn't seem possible that I could do it and function, but I am. I feel better than I have with any of the others. I can't explain it except for God. I used to live for a nap with all my infants. Now I don't even think of it. Not that I'm not tired, but God gives grace to keep going. And I don't feel like I'm living to sleep. It is a good place.
Trying to think of what is going on is hard, or what I am learning. Life is chaos. Some days I feel I will be swallowed up by all I have to do that never gets done. Hours go by without accomplishing anything. Everyday clutter, food on the floor, crumbs (and fresh fruit) all over the house, kids jumping on beds, off the coffee table onto the couch, screaming, laughing (them that is). Most of the time I'm trying to laugh. I let them do these things. It just adds up after a while. Everyone's house is different, but this is ours. I love that my kids love life, I just wish they would love it OUTSIDE more. Just kidding, mostly. Thank goodness for spring. I was thinking yesterday as I was vacuuming...I would just feel more restful if their rooms were cleaned up and everything put up. That is elusive, and not true rest. I was reminded that true rest and peace can come only from God. It is hard to trust that if I drop what I'm doing and go spend time with Him, that I will feel true rest. I only have time to CHOOSE, as time to do things is almost non-existent, and 99% of the time I choose wrong. I need Jesus.
I see my sin (any sin) and think to myself, "How can I [feel, think, act] this way?" It is because I am a hypocrite. The biggest hypocrite there is. I say one thing, and do another. Judge someone else and set another standard, much lower and gracious for myself. I see this all the time in my life. I need Jesus.
My life is full of broken "nevers", and for that I am thankful. Because of this I have a third, and fourth child. SO thankful for them. Such joy. And because of broken "I will never's" I am homeschooling. I love being with my kids all the time even though it's crazy and I miss out on alot. I love that they are close, and that I see more character in them. I love that they love being with me. I am thankful that I get to watch them play all day, pretend, and enjoy life.
I was reminded yesterday that every moment is a gift. I want to stop and watch them riding their bikes and scooters, grinning, hair blowing and seize it, remember it forever. I want to enjoy holding them, pausing to love them and build them up in my love. I wish that I would enjoy rather than mostly just survive right now. I need Jesus.
I love my life. I am thankful to the Lord for it, and how He provides for us. He is with us every moment. I was reminded of this coming out of Walmart with all four. It had been a long trip, and Brooklyn was getting hungry. I prayed for some help or that I would see a friend in the parking lot. A lady my mom's age had locked her keys in her car, used my cell phone, and ended up holding Brooklyn while I loaded all the kids and groceries. Then Duane offered to come home and help me get unloaded and settled. What a help. God saw me, with my groceries, and cared enough to meet my need. That is tenderness. That is all for now. Hopefully I will make more sense next time.

God is such a good Provider

2010-07-29T14:08:00.000-07:00

God has been providing so many things as we are getting ready for the baby in November, the KIND of things that I have wanted.
This is Owen's (and eventually Seth's) newly redone room! If you remember about a year ago, I traded an antique dresser and nightstand for a HUGE bunk bed, but it practically took up the whole room. With the baby coming I have to be able to fit a crib for Seth in there too and there wasn't enough drawer space for both boys. So, long story short, after over a month on Craigslist, someone finally bought that bunk bed, and we were able to buy a brand new bunk bed and dresser for only $150 more! There is plenty of room for the crib and train table, and I love the furniture.

I had also been looking for a cabinet to store all our homeschooling (that's another story)/craft/puzzles/etc. Everything I looked for was $300+ that had doors and would hold enough. Well, thanks to Jeffrey and Jessica we have these new cabinets that they gave us when they moved and I painted them white and I am so happy with how they turned out (except for the brown strip on each that I have to paint that I thought was going to be hidden).

I had been wanting an infant carrier that goes up to 30-35 pounds and had been looking for one (new they are about $200). Anyway, there was one like it for $50 that I found. I was so excited and it's in great condition!

Then I wanted a crib mattress just like the one I've had for the other babies, it's really hard foam and no one really carries this kind in the stores except one in Pensacola. Another great find on Craigslist, wrapped in plastic and never used by the kid for $50!

Probably the sweetest one was this bedding in Target that I had wanted before I knew that Seth was a boy. I loved it immediately and was disappointed that I couldn't get it. Well, the day that we found out that this baby was a girl we were in Target buying goggles, and I just went to see if they by chance still had it. Well, there was ONE left, and it was on clearance for $12! I felt like the Lord had saved it just for me. It is just perfect.

Well, I just wanted to thank God for His goodness in our lives and His special care of all our wants and needs.

Seth's advanced Johnny Jump Up skills

2010-06-07T18:24:00.000-07:00

Recent things

2010-06-07T18:19:00.000-07:00

Sethie's first day of swimming for the summer - he loves it!

Owen is now riding his big boy bike without training wheels, but he happened to take a good spill one day (he's scraped his nose the day before but got his chin).

Bailey's first big date with Daddy! He brought her flowers, and she was so proud. They went to Mikato's and had hibachi and sushi, followed by ice cream. She had such a good time and felt so special. He is a great Daddy.

A hard place

2010-04-05T18:58:00.000-07:00

It has been so long since I've really blogged that I'm not sure that my thoughts will really be clear, or that anyone is around to read them anymore! But I am here, at least to share with myself. I realize lately what an awful parent I can be. Now when I say that, I am talking about my heart. This is a good thing because five years ago I thought I was a really good one. That is not fun to say but it is true. I did not think there would ever be a time when I could feel so lost sometimes, or things be so foggy. I know that compared to a lot of people in America, I am a "good" parent. But everyday, and at night when I go to bed and I allow the day to sink in my mind, I am so sad at the way my sin pervades my life and my childrens, how I have failed to lean on Jesus for patience, wisdom, and unconditional love. I fear the damage that is being done every day, especially to Bailey. She is the hardest, maybe because we are the most similiar, she is the older and more complicated, and she, like me, wears her sin on her sleeve for all to see. Some are good at hiding their sin (without trying), their sins of the heart are not easily seen, but not me and Bailey. I know that everyone must see my sin from a mile away, and also I cringe at the visibility of hers. I hope that you can relate to me on this. I love my daughter more than anything. She is one of the 4 earthly treasures in my life. I would die if anything happened to her. I see her sin, but I also see the greatness God has placed in her life (she is such a great kid!, and I love being around people that can see the things I see in her, it is a restful place). But I can see the motives and manipulations of her heart, and I am at a loss as to how to parent her sometimes in a way that builds and lifts her spirit, and doesn't squelch it, and makes her want to love God and other people more. I don't want to produce a Pharisee. My greatest fear is that I would just fix her on the outside and leave her not realizing her need for Jesus to produce any real good in her heart. I don't want her clean on the outside with a heart that is unchanged, even if it means a longer process and more embarrassment at times as I choose to graciously let her little heart be where it is, as the Lord is so graceful with me. He is not interested in my little outside behaviors. He wants to reach into my heart, and the rest will follow, just as hers will. Letting her be sometimes means that I have to look in MY own heart and see the things that are really there - that I don't want people to think that I'm a bad parent, that I sometimes care more about what people think about my daughter than what wisdom says in the moment is best for her (which is not always to correct which is my point in all this), and sometimes what is best for her is not necessarily good for "my image". I feel so many times that she does and says things that my friend's kids don't, and oh my flesh doesn't like that. But then I look past the sin and weaknesses in her and see what she is becoming and one day by the grace of God He will turn those things into beauty and strength, and what she will be (and is)! And so this week, I am trusting to love her better, to spend more time with her showing her how much I love her, and to be quiet more than speaking and pray for that little heart of hers (and speaking a little when needed). I am just thinking that in the same way, Jesus must work in my heart to even be faithful to parent her in the right way. I can not produce it just as she can't. We both need him at every turn.

Family hike

2010-03-21T19:03:00.000-07:00

Hike is a relative term right? It can still be called that for 20 minutes of walking, right? Well, the pictures look adventurous. Next time we will take friends so we will not hear, "I'm tired. I want to go home. I want to turn around. I want to go back to the car.", etc. etc. We still had fun, and went to a little beach area afterward and they played. Seth went to sleep for awhile in the backpack. We will have to do things like this more often.

Bailey's first lost tooth

2010-03-21T18:59:00.001-07:00

Bailey had to get a tooth pulled last week. She did great! She trotted right off to the back and the dentist said he'd never seen someone so motivated to get a tooth out:) Unfortunately, her permanent tooth won't be in for a couple of years!

Bailey also learned to ride her bike this weekend without training wheels! Duane said it was like all of a sudden a switch went on and she got it. Kind of sad to watch a new milestone pass by - she's getting to be so big.

Cute things

2010-03-21T18:44:00.000-07:00

They have both been doing more drawing lately. I used to worry that Bailey didn't know how to draw things, but I have seen as she gets older, she just starts to transfer what is in her head to paper. That's our family on the left. Owen is just learning to do the same. I found this drawing the other day and cracked up laughing. He said that the two dots on the bottom are his knees (it's Daddy, by the way).

Bailey has gotten really creative lately and it is pretty funny sometimes. She got in a phase for a few weeks where she was making things with those Trio blocks and this was a creation of her and Owen (she made Owen just for kindness, she said)- he's the small one, obviously.

Seth, just being his cute self.

I have really started loving Publix

2010-01-13T21:11:00.000-08:00

I took the coupon workshop and just started shopping at Publix in Fairhope last month. I got all this stuff tonight for $120 with tax - and normally at Walmart the diapers (2 boxes) and formula (2 big cans) alone would have cost me $92! And I got all this extra stuff, including the whole bowl of fruit, grapes, roast and pork chops! I love this place!!! I have only spent about $250 this month on food so far (including diapers and formula) and literally think I can make it the rest of the month with out spending much more! My freezer is packed! That's like cutting $450 off my food budget for the month. Yeah! (Ok you can tell I'm a little excited).
Update: I just got a rebate card from Publix for $10 more off for buying the diapers, so $110 for everything!

I got crafty!

2009-11-19T11:33:00.000-08:00

We repainted Bailey's room after she stopped sucking her thumb (hot pink - turned out a little darker than we wanted) and so I had to redo the ribbons on her letters and I love them! Then I decided to do some for Seth's room too. If you know me, I don't do crafts, but I was happy with them!

Sethie, 4 months old today!

2009-11-16T18:44:00.000-08:00

Seth now weighs 18 pounds 13 oz, and is 27" long. He has gained about 12 pounds and grown 7 inches in 4 months! He is in 90-95% for both. Just like his brother! Thank goodness they don't come out this way:)

2009-11-05T13:58:00.001-08:00

Don't they look alike?

2009-10-31T20:37:00.001-07:00

I went brown (at least temporarily!)

2009-10-13T12:52:00.000-07:00

Seth wouldn't look at me when I first came home with it changed. It took him about a day to get used to it.

Smiling!

2009-09-22T08:21:00.000-07:00

Seth is 2 months old now and looks a lot like Bailey did. He is exactly the size Owen was at this time, 14 pounds 5 oz and 23 1/2 inches long, 75 percentile for height and 95th for weight. He is so fun! Still not sleeping through the night:(

New friends

2009-08-29T12:43:00.001-07:00

Seth and Caroline were born just three days apart. They are becoming fast friends as you can see!

He's a Baxter

2009-08-23T12:12:00.000-07:00

8/4/09

8/12/09

8/23/09

Bailey going to school and Seth is 4 weeks!

2009-08-13T06:34:00.001-07:00

Seth is here!

2009-07-18T16:21:00.000-07:00

I will post more on the delivery later, but here are some pics!

Big head, hands, and feet (his big toes look like thumbs!)

This is what I look like on Nubane:)

Excited!

Little bean

Family pics before Seth - 5 more days to go!

2009-07-11T11:43:00.000-07:00

It's almost time!

2009-07-02T04:58:00.000-07:00

It is hard to believe, but it is almost time for baby Seth to be born! We are inducing on July 16 at 39 weeks. I have spent the week getting the nursery ready, washing carseats and swings, buying things to be ready for him to come home. It is still surreal that in two weeks we will have a newborn at our house! Here's some pictures we took yesterday at our family fun day!

They're getting so big!

Owen showing his tummy!

...But I have another baby boy on the way!

2009-02-18T11:15:00.001-08:00

My little boy is growing up

2009-02-13T11:41:00.000-08:00

We got this bed for Owen a few weeks ago - we actually traded it on craigslist for an antique dresser of Bailey's that I was wanting to get rid of! Well, as of yesterday, we moved his crib out of his room and he is sleeping in his big boy bed. It is kind of sad as it is obvious he's not a baby anymore. It helps that we do have another baby on the way, but it's still sad for me with Owen. It was fun to move the rocking chair and crib in the nursery to get ready for the new baby though. Now to complete potty training....

Number 3 is on the way!

2009-01-14T10:31:00.001-08:00

The face front one is a little creepy don't you think?

Well, we wanted to let everyone know that we are 13 weeks pregnant! Obviously we have waited a while to post this time, but everything seems to be going fine and everything on the ultrasound today looked normal. This baby was a little wiggleworm and turning all around and arching its back. In the end it turned over on its tummy and put its arm over its head. In 5 weeks hopefully we will know what "it" is! We are thankful.

Winter pics

2008-12-17T21:05:00.001-08:00

Underwater swimming

2008-08-24T10:49:00.000-07:00

Here's from our new camera!

We finally made it to the Wiggles!

2008-07-29T21:14:00.001-07:00

Mexico City and other pics

2008-06-24T13:17:00.001-07:00

Once again

2008-06-24T11:50:00.000-07:00

We just got back from Mexico City, and now that we are back all our transportation is gone because the summer short teams are coming in and using the church's vehicles. that means back to square one with nothing to do for me and most of my new friends are pretty busy for the next couple of weeks. Anyway, yesterday the kids were at the house most of the day, and today nothing worked out and I just decided that if they or I NEEDED somewhere to go, then God would provide it. So I decided to walk down to the store, and long story short met this lady who speaks English in the checkout line who has an 8, 4 and 1 year old and said that she wanted to give me her phone number because she lives in the neighborhood and knows that moms always need something to do. I told her I didn't have a car and she said she would come pick me up, and that she would be expecting my phone call. I told her not to worry! Why do I get down when I know that He will fill my days here with what we need?

Joy comes in the morning

2008-06-15T19:22:00.000-07:00

I mentioned the other day about God ordering all this so perfectly but couldn't really share at the point. What I meant was that I was supposed to have an appointment the week before but it didn't work out, and I was frustrated. Well, if it had, everything would have been fine (and I would have seen a live baby which would have been more painful) and then I just would have started bleeding, maybe even this weekend when everyone was gone for a retreat except me, or when we were in Mexico City this coming week, who knows. I can't imagine how much more traumatic it would have been to have all the fear of not knowing what was really going on, going to the ER, having to manage the kids spur of the moment in the midst of all that, or even worse going through all that when we were traveling somewhere in a different city. As I sat at the doctor's office, it was all so sweet to me how He unfolded it all.

I can not begin to tell you how painful the day of the D&C was. It started by having to leave the house telling Bailey about the baby because she got up much earlier than planned. She was sad but generally took it well, we told her that the baby was sick and had died and that we had to go to the doctor so they could give it to Jesus and that He would be watching over it from now on and that the baby was no longer sick. She was pretty concerned that the baby wouldn't have a mommy in heaven but we told her that when a baby has Jesus it doesn't need a mommy that He takes such good care of it. I had kind of gathered myself in the car and then we went into a coffee shop downtown since the traffic was good and we were pretty early. I heard Duane say hello to someone, and the ONE person who was in there was the specialist I had seen the day before. I couldn't even get out hello but had to turn away crying. That was pretty much the rest of the time from when we went to the hospital and started checking in and signing papers, just knowing what I was about to have done to my baby. At this point, there was still no bleeding or any signs that anything was wrong except the knowledge that the specialist had said that he was 100% sure that the baby was dead. Just the fear through the night before of what if I was having a D&C on a live baby, but I had to keep reminding myself that I had seen the ultrasound and doppler too, and there was nothing at all. They took me in to change and let me see Duane for a minute, and then wheeled me away all alone. I just couldn't stop crying. It was just this overwhelming sadness that I didn't know I could feel over an 8 week pregnancy. There was a sweet tech who didn't speak English but she just kept squeezing my foot or giving me a comforting look, bringing me tissues. God gave me comfort at every step, even though I was alone during the procedure. It was such a relief to get knocked out for those few minutes, to not feel, but everything rushed back as I heard the doctor say "wake up Kim" and I remembered what had just taken place. A loss you just can't explain or describe but just sadness. All of me would never have wished for this, but I am glad to understand what it is like to be a better friend to those who have gone through it or will...I wish I had known before but you can't...we all wish we could go back and be better friends for every part of life we pass through after our friends, don't we, the good and the bad? The rest of the day was better after we left the hospital, and Duane stayed with me through the night. The students were so sweet, but of course it was hard each time I saw someone new. I was so glad throughout the day before and that day for the knowledge of the love and goodness of God, to know that this serves as a part of His good plan for me, to lay down that night and just be able to say honestly to Him, "God, what a sad day", yet feel the hope that things would get better. And they have...I have had a few sad moments over these last days but as each day passes there is more joy, you laugh at the things you did before and things feel normal, and there is hope. Not hope for a baby, or circumstances, but just the hope of the Spirit that brings true joy that comes after a night of sorrow, that says "I love you, and everything is OK." I was even thinking about the circumstances of the first weeks here, how hard they were but how much more moldable I think they made my heart to accept this from His hand from accepting that piece by piece from Him.

Deuteronomy 32:4
"He is the Rock, His works are perfect, and all His ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is He."

Just wanted to let you know

2008-06-11T18:55:00.000-07:00

We went to the doctor today for a checkup since we haven't seen the baby yet, and there was no heartbeat. I am having a D&C in the morning, so you can pray that everything will go smoothly. The doctor is really good that I'm going to and both him and the specialist were really kind and spoke English. I am okay and experientially feel the goodness of God. He has been faithful in so many ways, in the way that He ordered everything about today and this week. It couldn't have been any better. I am thankful. Know that I am okay and thanks for your prayers.

Pool pics

2008-06-02T17:52:00.001-07:00

The great kindness of God

2008-06-02T14:43:00.000-07:00

I can't speak enough of the kindness of God since I have been here. It almost brings to tears He has been so kind and caring to me. Basically I have no car, few friends, not much to do and I'm alone most days from 9-6 pm on the weekdays since I'm not allowed on the ITESO campus with the team (due to the kids). As you can imagine, this is not the easiest with 2 toddlers to entertain. But He has been so kind. I know that I am alone, but somehow I do not feel that lonely and we get to the end of a day and I know He got us through. The first thing He did was bring me across the path of an American girl who has lived here for 10 years and she invited me over that weekend for a big playdate, and I met another girl Susanana, who is here with her husband doing missions to the poor here. She took us to the park with them the other day. Then the next day, I was walking home from the shopping plaza and peeked in this big party place, and saw a bunch of people that I knew...and we got invited into probably the best birthday party I've ever been to. The kids got to run free and jump on all these bouncy things and play games, Bailey got her face painted. I said, "Bailey, who let us in this birthday party?" She said, "Jesus!" I said, "That's right!". It was really so sweet and so good for them. Since then, I've been invited to another birthday party, to use someone's pool in the neighborhood (I just have to get there somehow), I'm going to a children's museum tomorrow with Susanna, and I met another lady at church that lives up the hill who has a 3 year old boy and can come to my house and play. And I can not consider the kindness of this one woman, Claudia, without tearing up. She is about 40 and I met her as Bailey's Sunday school teacher and she immediately gave me her phone number and said to call her she would love to hang out with me. Then the other night she took me home and was asking how things were, and I told her it has been hard, honestly to be alone with the kids. She told me how much she loved me and that I had a friend in her and that she thought of me all the time, and that when school was out next week she was going to come get me to come to her house and she was going to take care of Bailey and Owen. She told me that she knew that I just needed to get some of it out and talk. Then today, (she is a teacher at the church), she spoke to all the teachers and for the next week while school is still in Bailey can come in their classes from 8-12 or so, so she went in this morning. She had a ball and has been wanting to go in there since we got here! Through all these people, I have felt the provision of God and that I am not alone at all. He is providing for every day and all we need. I tell you, I hope that I do not return home unchanged toward people who are in my situation, new in town etc. I hope that I never feel that same apathy toward them that I have felt in the past but am willing to inconvenience myself so that they can have a friend too when they are in need.

Day 7 - Owen

2008-06-02T14:39:00.000-07:00

Owen fell and busted his chin last Monday. As soon as he hit the floor I knew it wasn't good. We took him to the hospital and luckily they were able to glue it instead of stitching it. I don't think emotionally I could have handled that very well! Anyway, he is doing fine. Unfortunately, we were supposed to go swimming for the only time that day before that happened...

Things are looking up

2008-05-26T19:17:00.001-07:00

You might wonder how I've had a hard time with things so nice here, but they were definitely not a picnic the first few days. I won't go into detail, but the first night we got here after a series of events I ended up crying myself to sleep and then an hour later crying again as Owen was sobbing because he couldn't sleep in the pack and play and was hysterical. I just had to put him back down and let him sob because he wouldn't calm down, but he considering it his bed now and is happy to get in it...it just took a little bit of time. Day 2, falling up the tile stairs and getting the biggest bruise I've ever gotten in my life on my hip, and also my arm and other knee (luckily I wasn't carrying the kids). Day 3, getting shut out of a professional soccer game with Duane and the kids because of Owen being too young, everyone else had to go on in and we spent an hour and a half going from gate to gate trying to get someone to let us in...after walking two miles from the cars with the kids on everyone's shoulders so there's now way I could carry one of them back to the car all that way so we just had to wait outside most of the time until the game was over. I about lost it a couple of times when we were begging to be let in and no one would listen. That was REALLY hard. It was hard to understand why God wouldn't want us in there but obviously He didn't. I have had to get adjusted to not being able to communicate with people, we were supposed to have our Vonage home phone number here but we are not going to be able to hook it up to the house... no TV, computer, internet, phone! Not just these things, but everything in general my flesh was SCREAMING for comfort those first few days. But now that things have not worked out and I have my expectations set, I am glad. I can't run to those things, and especially the phone which is usually what I do, or a nap. But even though I am pregnant, when I take a nap I only doze or either just sleep an hour. I am just not that tired and so I read. I brought my journal with me from my original ITP Thailand trip and that whole year and it has been so good to read and ask God to rekindle my heart and that by the end of the summer I would be intimate with Him again. And the last few days, I have seen Him sustain me and seen in ways that I haven't seen in a long time (mainly from not needing to) that He really is my portion, and my Rock, and that even when things are upside down He will take care of me and make everything ok inside. I think it will be a good summer.

Oh, Mexico

2008-05-26T18:56:00.001-07:00

I'm not kidding...this is all that was available within walking distance to the church. It takes about 3 minutes to get there and it feels SO safe (a huge answer to prayer). This place is like a fort too... a 15 foot wall in the back with a foot of barbed wall on top and the front has a locked gate too. There's no way anyone's getting in here! I met my across the street neighbors today, she actually teaches English and I can say something other than "hola"...yeah!

the kitchen...

Ben and Katie's bathroom...this is only half of it and it has a sauna too. We have a bathroom on each of our bedrooms with big showers, which is good for keeping the water out of the kids faces.

the backyard with our "new pool"

the view from our roof

Although the house is very nice and big, it was very overwhelming initially in regards to Owen...it really did scare me. He's already dangerous and there are a few places he could fall and be seriously injured. There were no baby gates at Walmart (yes, we have a Sam's, Home Depot (where we got the big fans we need to sleep!) and a grocery store a 15 minute walk from home - downhill all the way which means uphill all the way back:) my calves hurt so bad the first time. Anyway, he understands now that he can't go upstairs so things are much better! The weather is so nice and there is no need for AC - we just leave the windows open constantly and it feels so good!

First, about the baby

2008-05-26T18:48:00.000-07:00

Some of you may know that the baby measured about a week earlier than I thought and so before we left for Mexico I went and got blood drawn over 2 days and right as I got to the airport the doctor called and said that everything looked great and actually my hormone levels were really strong and that would account for my pregnancy test being positive a week after conception. Anyway, I'm going to the doctor here (which is amazing because 3 of my new friends go to this doctor and he is 1 of 2 that Blue Cross covers in Guadalajara, again...amazing). After I see the heartbeat I'll just wait until I get back. I have to remind myself that I'm pregnant though, I feel so good. I'm less tired than I have been in a long time and actually have a great appetite (too good maybe). I'm so thankful though for not having to feel bad on top of adjusting here.

We're having another baby!

2008-05-08T11:10:00.001-07:00

That's right!

Bailey at the dentist!

2008-04-03T15:46:00.001-07:00

Almost done!

2008-03-28T18:44:00.000-07:00

Old bathroom...

New bathroom...(alot of work later)

New milestones

2008-03-18T19:11:00.001-07:00

Owen has been doing some pretty cute stuff lately. The last few days, he has been saying "funny" when we are playing a game or laughing. The other day, he was saying "yewwow, gween, bwu, red, puple" pointing to a piece of cardboard. I didn't know where he was getting this until I was watching his favorite Wiggles video with him. We also have Wiggles songs on jump drive for the car, and he does all the hand motions with it - in his cute Owen way. So funny. Last night he surprised me by counting to ten (he always misses eight) although on the same three fingers! I'm not sure where he got this either. He is learning so much and is a delight as a normal day for him is squealing everywhere he goes with his mouth wide open in a big grin.
Bailey is learning so much but in different ways. I am finding that I have to be careful not to just talk about the cute things that Owen is doing because of the stage he's in, and leave her feeling unnoticed. She is developing too, but more in a maturing way. One very cute thing she has started doing is helping Owen - take off his shoes "Owen do you want your shoes off - and he says "Uh huh" with a smile or his pants and of course he loves Bailey taking care of him. She has also started picking him up and helping him off slides and step-downs (although he doesn't need it I think he likes it). I see her becoming more thoughtful and thinking outside herself some. She is a joy too. I am so thankful for both my children!

In process

2008-03-04T20:03:00.000-08:00

"New cabinets"

2008-02-20T19:29:00.000-08:00

A house around the corner is being flipped, and I was talking to the two guys about my cabinets (which I greatly dislike), and they said if they were hardwood I could strip them and do whatever I wanted to them. Who knew? (probably a lot of people) Anyway, they are hardwood, and we are obviously at the point of no return. I have been stripping most of the paint and Duane started doing the sanding today. It all sanded right off (like the door). Can't wait to put the done pictures on here.

...Part 2

2008-01-29T18:49:00.000-08:00

I have been meaning to write this for 3 weeks now. It is hard to collect my thoughts after so long, but this is all in light of what I shared before about the fear of my children being taken from me.
I spent our Christmas traveling time in the car reading Joni Eareckson Tada's The God I Love, a memoir about her life as a young child into the 40 years past her diving accident and paralysis. (By the way, I am reading a book now When God Weeps, about suffering and it is the 3rd book of hers I have read recently and they are really good). Anyway, she speaks of how her wheelchair became a passport to adventure and joy for her. She says about it, "Lord, your no answer to physical healing meant yes to a deeper healing - a better one. Your wiser, deeper answer has stretched my hope, purged sin from my life, and helped me to know you better. And you are good. You are so good. I know I wouldn't know you...wouldn't love and trust you, were it not for this wheelchair...the wiser choice, the better answer, the harder yet richer path." God began over those days that I was reading to began to work something in my heart, but I just couldn't put my finger on it and to be honest I didn't think I would like what it was so I was not trying too hard to figure it out.
There came a point in the book and in her life when she was experiencing pain that was pushing her past her limits (so she thought) of suffering, on top of the things she had already had taken from her. I read this and everything became clear of what He was trying to show me, "Jesus, I want to trust the Father with this, but he's so sovereign, and that's scary. I'm afraid to trust Him." That was it, and I knew it. He screens the things that come into our lives and decides whether He will allow something to touch us or hurt us. I realized that these last 11 years or so I have been a Christian, as she said, the sovereignty of God has been so helpful, brought so much joy, and worked things out in ways I would have always wanted if I'd known. She mentioned, so much like me, that as she wrestled over God's sovereignty in our lives, she would try to relax in His control of things, but every time she tried fear seized her again. This is how I have felt when I think about relinquishing control of my children and their safety to Him, to trust Him to work out His plans in our lives, for fear of what that could mean in my darkest thoughts. Who's to say that He won't make me bear what I would consider unbearable? She says, "I wish God were like He used to be. A few notches lower. I wanted Him to be lofty enough to help me but not so uncontrollable. Where's the safety now?" And I realized as I read in that minute, that in this journey of fear I have been making (or allowing myself to be taken), that I have been taken back to ground zero in my view of God (which is not necessarily a bad thing - to rework our view of God biblically). I no longer assume the graciousness of God toward me, knowing that He is actively working out ONLY my good in the circumstances in my life and those that will come.
Well, in His kindness, basically the next few days at our Atlanta Conference were scripture after scripture reminding me of the kindness and love of God towards us and his gracious providence in our lives. That only the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. He has not come to steal from us, not to take but to give, abundantly. The truth fell into my heart and grew and I realized the captivity that we can be in when we are not in His word regularly, without even being aware of it. But there was still something not right...until a conversation when I was telling someone about these fears and wrestling with them. She asked me why I thought I was so afraid, and finally I said, "I know they are idols" (of course we are not deathly afraid to trust God with something unless it is too valuable to us), to which she told me that not only were they idols, but that my children BELONG to Him, and that He is permitted to do whatever He wants with them simply for that reason, and I have no right to say anything about it. They have only been entrusted to me for as long as and in what way as He sees fit. I think I have known that all this time, deep in my heart (therefore the fear), but I have tried to reconcile it with MY good, MY trust of Him, and MY perception of His goodness, which is really not the point of my error at all. I realized over the next day's thinking that in my fear, I had forgotten His kingship and ownership over my children and somehow thought that I could be god over what happened to them (or at least think I should have some right to). At the same time, I felt Satan compelling me to hang on the fear, for even as awful as fear is, doesn't it in some way make you feel in control? And that to give up those fearful thoughts somehow renders you completely out of control? I can't explain it, but it does me. But I realized, what freedom, for what can he say, or what can he twist when he tries to make me afraid, when my only response is, "You know what, if He chooses to do that, that is His right, because He is king, and I am not." And to tie it all together from thinking about Joni's life, He IS good, even in the worst of circumstances and He brings joy out of the impossible for those who love Him. I fought confessing my sin of them being idols because I knew that would mean admitting what I had not been wanting to all along. But during the hours events had kept me from being alone, when I was alone, He had brought my heart to a place where I could confess it without being dragged kicking and screaming to confess it. And you know, since then I have felt such a change in my level of fear. The woman I had talked to even said after our conversation that she thought this must be warfare because I am just not someone who normally thinks in fear. I feel like since I confessed my sin and submitted to God's rightful throne in my children's lives, that He has kept the evil one from me. Although the thoughts can still come sometimes, I feel like the war has been won, and I try to remind myself of His rightful ownership of their lives. Needless to say, this has all been a stake in my life. There is freedom in putting things where they belong. So that's how I'm doing. I have more things so say, but not tonight my friends!

Stitches!

2007-12-23T20:03:00.000-08:00

Well, we had our first episode of stitches on one of our children today. Bailey was running in the aisle of the sanctuary after church and tripped and fell, hitting her forehead on one of the chair legs. We spent three hours in the ER and I have to say that she was a champ. She cried a lot when they gave her the shot to numb her head, but other than that she laid really still and let them sew her up. She walked away with 5 McDonald's toys and a whole bag of M&M's from the doctor. It's hard to realize how fast your children can get hurt and how out of control you are to stop it. I know that God gave us all grace to get through this afternoon because it was not near as bad as I expected!

Hey Owen!

2007-12-03T19:12:00.001-08:00

Pumpkin patch!

2007-10-28T18:41:00.000-07:00

Here's my heart, blogger world

2007-10-02T20:46:00.000-07:00

I hesitated to write this, but when we know we are completely loved just as we are, why not, right? I'm sure this will be a little long...

All the Campus Outeach staff went to Minneapolis this past weekend to a John Piper conference on endurance. Some speakers and their themes were: Jerry Bridges (spending time with God and reminding ourselves of the gospel), Randy Alcorn (what you will be tomorrow is determined by choices you make today), John McAuthur (Jesus is our master and we are his slaves), Helen Roseveare (there is no quitting until we cross the finish line) and of course John Piper (there is no American dream and retirement for Christians).

Well, to those of you who don't know, I have not spent time with God in 3 1/2 years (minus about 10 times, as to not exaggerate). I had a friend ask me when I told them that this weekend, "you mean in the classic way?" and I shook my head no. He said, "not at all?", I shook my head no, "you just didn't do it?", again, no. He said, "How have you survived?" My only answer is the sweet grace of God, who gently leads those with young. I really believe that. I quit when I was in my first trimester with Bailey because I was so tired, and have never recovered. My life has become a series of small choices (mostly to take a nap or take care of other things around the house) that have added up to not knowing where my Bible is most of the time. I never thought I would say that. I did not think that would be possible. I remember at first the feelings of guilt and legalism, but through Bailey's birth God showed me his deep love for me as his daughter. I guess I am thankful that my motivation has not been legalistic, but it would have been nice to have some stronger motivation than that quiet voice that says, "come spend time with me, I'll give you rest." And it is so easy in my heart to say "I don't believe you and I'm too tired," and off I go to take a nap. He is so sweet that He lets me sleep anyway. I know that not once have I felt that he has left me or been mad at me.

The word of God that I hid in my heart long ago seems like a vague memory to me most days. It seems so vast and the times I wanted to open it, I felt like I didn't know where to start. I know truth, I feel like I live by Biblical principles and know God is there, but the verses I used to know are a fog in my head somewhere. Prayer has become something I try to remember to do most of the time. It was so good to sit in truth (hard, strong truth) this weekend and have those verses start filling my head again. I started evaluating my life over the last few years and saw so much. It was good though, not overwhelming.

The major thing that God has been putting his finger on for the last months, and strongly in this conference is my love for my children. I love them way too much, more than Him. And I don't trust Him with them. Not their salvation, but their lives here. I am way too afraid that they will have to go through some great pain if I release them to Him and put them on the altar (like I have a choice what they will go through or if I will be there). My mind knows intellectually that He will do as He pleases regardless, but my heart says hold on to them. The thought of specific situations that I imagine where I picture them in pain (especially Bailey, I guess because she's older) cause me great pain, almost unbearable, as I'm sure any mother can relate to. My problem is that my love for their security is greater than my love for Jesus. I remember when I was single, and so authentically said, "anytime, anywhere, anything Lord!" and I meant it. I think those words now, and can only say, "I can't say that anymore God", and I can't even want to say it for fear of what that might mean. They are so precious and dear, and I leave their rooms at night and my heart aches for their protection and that God won't put us in some place or situation where they won't be safe. To clarify, my fear is not of them dying from being sick. I think I could handle that, at least in my imagination, although it would be very painful. It is them being taken from me, or being in some place in the world where I have to watch them be hurt for Christ, physically, or imagining in this conference during the talks, what if I had to take a stand and let my children be hurt in order to not deny Christ? I picture their terror and my heart aches. And my heart just wants to be comfortable, to live this safe, daily American life where we go to church, and run errands, and play with our friends and I know they won't be in those situations. Is it wrong to live this way? I don't think so if we serve Christ where we are, and our hearts are yielded to Him in our tomorrows. But I know that mine is not, and until I can give them to Him, there is a barrier that hardens my heart against Him, and is sin. It is almost impossible to think of following him right now if it means their pain. I thought of an example in the conference, and it helped me. I remembered those children in the holocaust who were ripped from their parents, underwent innumerable tortures, and ended up in old age walking with God and joyful. And I thought, God IS capable of taking their pains, regardless of whether Duane and I are with them, and giving them joy and peace even in this life. He can bring something from nothing. Anything is possible with Him. But there is a great work to be done in my heart yet. I don't know what it will look like or how long it will take to replace them in my heart with Him.

The other issue I am becoming well aware of, is the way that I live my faith out in front of my daughter (and son, he is just too young). I hear the things I say sometimes, whether teaching her or in discipline, and I think, "How long will it be before she sees through me?", that these things are true in my intellect but not so truthfully lived out, not in the closeness of a deep relationship with Jesus that keeps it from being just religion. Giving in to my flesh almost constantly, establishing my will and battling for it as a default, a superficial love for Jesus, a lack of spending time in His word, poor character when no one but her and a friend are listening. It makes my heart sad, and I want a fast fix, but I know it can only be hammered out in reestablishing my heart in His Word.

And the gospel...I live my days at home in my neighborhood and on those few days at work like no one is perishing. We had a talk before the conference by a CO director, that life is for keeps and there are no do-overs. I live my life like none of that is real anymore, and the people that are lost around me are fine, even though I am certain it is all very real. Yet it does not lead me to action. I realized during the weekend as I was thinking about all this, that I used to target people that I wanted to spend time with, and pray for them. That seems so simple, but I have somehow forgotten to be deliberate and trust God to do a work through me. It seems so nebulous sometimes, there are so many that I work with, but I reminded myself that I only have to start with a couple, one girl in particular that I think of from Brazil that is my friend.

Of some encouragement, I thought of the things that have changed in my life over those 3 1/2 years, and I know because of that He remains with me and is still finishing His work. I think He has taught me how to be a better friend, to care, and to love past hurts and sin. I want to serve people who are walking through things I have been through because I know how hard it can be, especially being a mom and the daily sacrifices that come with that. I know in a way that I could have not known before that there is not an easy fix for the things we go through as we walk with God (i.e. a spiritual desert), even if we know the right answers. Sometimes our flesh can be so strong, and I am glad for the extra compassion that I have seen Him grow in my heart.

I guess I will end by saying, please pray for me. These things may sound like I'm doing horrible, but I'm not. I feel like I am in a good place, and I need prayer to make those small daily choices to pursue Him and His word. It is so easy to revert to old habits. I will publish this before I want to erase it all:)

Reflections on boredom

2007-08-20T07:37:00.000-07:00

This week has been really hard with Bailey. I think coming off Beach Project and the whole summer in general where she was always with people and always had something fun to do or someone to play with has been an adjustment (I can relate). Especially the mornings are hard while Owen takes his nap. Playdoh, crayons and watercolors only get you so far and then she's bored again. Everytime she wants my attention and I am busy, or she can't do something she wants, she says that she doesn't feel good. I had (and still am a little) been struggling with her having to be bored, until I realized that our problem is alike and I do the same thing. When I am bored, I call someone to talk, or go run an errand I don't really need to run, or see if a friend wants to hang out (these are not necessarily bad things). I want something to fill me, and so does she. We both have the same void, and we both want to fill it by shoving something else but God in there so we'll feel better (it's just been hard because she wants that something to be me). As I was thinking about all this, I realized that not only do I have to let her be bored sometimes, but it is GOOD for her. How else will she understand that she has a hole in her heart that longs for something greater if I never let her feel it because I'm too busy keeping her entertained (and how can I talk to her about that feeling in a way she can understand when she is older if she is never allowed to feel it)? Anyway, these thoughts have helped me look at things differently, and even in talking to her about being bored sometimes.

Article by John Piper

2007-08-12T20:26:00.001-07:00

I found this article that he wrote after the bridge fell in Minneapolis. Here's the link: (copy and paste) http://www.oneplace.com/Ministries/Desiring_God/Article.asp?article_id=1548

Owen's birthday party

2007-08-11T19:46:00.001-07:00

Doesn't Owen look excited about his birthday cake? I don't think he smiled at it once unless we made him. The party was kind of crazy, we had almost 20 adults and 8 kids! It was controlled chaos, but it was fun. Owen's been walking for about a week now and doing better every day. Everywhere he goes he has a big smile on his face. I think he's glad to see the world from a different viewpoint. It's hard to tell, but Owen got his first big boy haircut last week while were back at Beach Project (you can tell when you look at the picture below).

Bailey and Owen (1 year!) pics

2007-08-11T19:35:00.000-07:00

He's growing up

2007-07-12T16:23:00.001-07:00

It's hard to believe he'll be one year old in a few weeks!
P.S. I'll put more pictures of Bailey when I get a few good ones.

Summer family pic

2007-07-10T20:24:00.001-07:00

God Our Sweet Provider

2007-07-08T19:54:00.001-07:00

Last night while we had some friends over, the spring to our dishwasher door broke off (it's very old). I realized today that Bailey and Owen could get hurt badly if the door came down on them suddenly. I told Duane and we decided to go get a new one today . We walked into Lowe's and right away saw two couples we knew. Long story short, one of them had just replaced their appliances and had a white dishwasher (which matches our cabinets) sitting in their garage, and they gave it to us! What is so amazing is that just 15 minutes sooner or later, and we wouldn't have crossed paths. Can you imagine all that has to happen, all the things in the universe that have to line up so that we met at that exact moment? Owen went down for a much later nap than usual, we went to Home Depot first instead of Lowes, and stayed exactly the amount of time that we needed to, and even that our dishwasher broke last night and that they would have a desire THAT DAY to go look at grills at Lowes (and that is only a few of the many unseen things that had to line up that we know of). It is so unfathomable how God orchestrates our lives to provide for us in such supernatural ways! Only a God who is in control of ALL things could make it happen!

Our "home with the blue door" as Bailey calls it

2007-06-21T12:30:00.000-07:00

Here is where we've been living for the last month, if anyone wanted to see! I feel so blessed to have had two rooms.

Summer Beach Project

2007-06-07T12:40:00.000-07:00

I took these pictures this week - I love them!

We are at Project in 2 adjoining motel rooms. It was a little more difficult to get adjusted than I thought it would be, but I feel like I have my feet under me now. Owen and Bailey have to sleep in the room together, but they are both sleeping all night now and things are better. One night the three of us were up from 2:15-3:45. Owen woke up then Bailey woke up. That was a bad night. I am enjoying having people so accessible, especially at night since I can walk right outside my door and talk. We just had our first off day yesterday, and we went to the Holiday Inn Sunspree (the managers gave all the staff hotel passes). They have a toddlers waterpark that they just built along with the big pool. It is nice to have somewhere to get away from (especially free!) They even have bouncing swings for the babies under a big shade. We will be here three more weeks and then start traveling. Bailey and Streed get to go to a VBS next week so that should be a good break for them and for me and Shelley. I'll write more later!

Sorry everyone!

2007-06-02T11:39:00.000-07:00

If you saw our blog in the last 24 hours, we got on today and saw that someone had posted obscene videos under our videos. We're sorry if anyone had to see that there.

It's done!

2007-05-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

God was so gracious to us - Duane was really weighed down with trying to finish the she d before we leave for Beach Project (he leaves tomorrow), and we had the primer on it but it still needed a roof. All he could do was leave a tarp on it (which would not be good in a hurricane) but a student that he had been spending time with came over the other day. He said his younger brother did some roofing and he would call him. So the last two days the three of them have done the roof, and it only cost us $100. God was so good because he knew Duane was so overwhelmed, and He also gave us someone who knew what they were doing.

I'm crawling!

2007-05-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

Owen started crawling toward toys and such...he hasn't figured out he can come get me yet! I'm sure it won't take long.

I like this picture...

2007-05-14T19:35:00.000-07:00

She's so cute to me. She likes me to carry her into the den when she wakes up every morning, and this morning I told her I couldn't because my back was hurting. She raised up my shirt and said, "Can I kiss it?" I told her yes, so she did. Then she asked me, "Is it better?" I told her yes, and thank you. She smiled sweetly, then said, "You can carry me now?" (Of course I did.)

I have a hydrangia!

2007-05-14T19:31:00.000-07:00

For some reason this really excites me. I planted one at our other house but it never did very well. Now, I have two bushes by our deck!

We have grass!

2007-05-14T19:21:00.000-07:00

Before...(after the whole area was cleared of the jasmine for free - it took them 7 1/2 hours)

After...

By the way...I know grass is not too important on most days, but I have to celebrate a little about all that jasmine taking up the backyard being gone and now my kids can play!

Afternoon at the creek

2007-05-07T13:34:00.001-07:00

Our new "garage"

2007-05-04T14:10:00.000-07:00

I am so proud of Duane. I feel like he can do anything, and he isn't afraid to try. He designed this shed all by himself. He went to Home Depot and looked at their sheds and took pictures, then took some plans off the internet and meshed the two together to come up with this. We will be glad to get all our stuff (bikes, surfboards, freezer, work bench, etc.) into it that we haven't had room for since we don't have a garage anymore. By the way, it's going to match our house - white with a black roof. I'll show it when it's done!

Cute pics!

2007-04-18T12:55:00.001-07:00

Thank you God!

2007-04-06T18:12:00.000-07:00

We have jasmine (about a foot high) for a lovely 2/3 of our backyard, and it just keeps growing.

On a sidenote: When I was over-emotional and we were looking for houses last summer, after Duane had told me he liked the house, we stepped into the backyard, and I said, "Is this what you want for your children?" (another side note, our backyard in Pcola was HUGE and I had so looked forward to Bailey and Owen getting to play back there). Duane and I laugh about this now, but you get the idea of how much jasmine is in our backyard (and the rest is pretty much dirt).

Anyway, we had checked into getting it dug up when we moved here and got a quote for about $1000 (then would have had to sod on top of that). Since we are having to build a shed right now, we could not do both. Well, our neighbor next door had some landscaping people working on their jasmine, and I mentioned we were trying to get rid of ours. They offered to dig it out of our backyard if we didn't charge them for the jasmine!!! (And I just thought a few minutes ago, we know they'll get all the roots because otherwise it won't grow:) Just wanted to share God's faithfulness!

Bad parent award again! or "Good baby award" as a friend said

2007-04-06T11:54:00.000-07:00

Today I had a friend and her 2 kids over and after they left I was helping Bailey play and also cleaning up. I noticed that Owen had gotten really quiet but didn't think much of it because a few minutes before he had really been concentrating on moving the train pieces on his exersaucer. I came in and this is what I found. He didn't even cry.

Oops!

2007-04-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, usually Owen is a pretty lively fellow when going to sleep in his crib. He plays for a while, then when he gets quiet I go in and find him in various positions, this morning with his legs through the crib slats. Well, this afternoon, after being especially squeally (I thought, he is really having a good time in there), I let him get quiet and forgot about him for a few minutes. About ten minutes later I remembered and went to check on him, and his blanket was all the way around his head, tight (not around his neck), i mean SNUG and he was asleep breathing in and out really loud. He took a deep breath when I pulled the blanket off. Poor little guy was trying to tell me the whole time. Oh well, at least I know now that babies really can breathe through crochet blankets! In addition, last week he was in his portable swing, and I was having lunch in my kitchen with someone, and had my back turned to him. I haven't been strapping him in because up until now I have found it really hard to believe how a baby could fall out of those bucket swings. Anyway, I heard a small noise which I didn't pay any attention to, but a few minutes later I glanced over, and Owen was on the floor playing on his stomach on the tile! I guess he flipped out, caught himself and decided it was a good change of scenery. Poor second child:) I'm glad all of this didn't happen the first time around.

A funny Bailey story:
In school the other morning, Bailey was having a bad day as far as obedience goes. After being put in time out two other times (which I don't really love the whole time out idea but oh well), they said she disobeyed and then said "I'm going to go get in time out." They said it was hard to follow through when she was so cute.

Spring pics

2007-04-01T14:22:00.000-07:00

Of course, my first pictures have to be of the kids! Bailey was with Daddy at Home Depot and the picture of Owen is him at 7 1/2 months, weighing 25 pounds and 29" long (half my height)!

OK, I'm here!

2007-03-30T14:09:00.001-07:00